Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Suffer A Jet

When I was in elementary school, a friend of mine told me the following story:

Superman was on patrol when, using his telescopic vision, he saw that Wonder Woman had left her window open and was lying naked on her bed. Not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Superman flew in at super-speed, shot his wad, and flew away before Wonder Woman could even say anything.

"What was that?" gasped Wonder Woman.

"I don't know," said the invisible man, "but all of a sudden, my ass is sore."

I'm not sure I got all of the details of that story right, since I have been unable to find the comic book in which it happened, but my point remains the same: Everyone lay off Wonder Woman's invisible plane!

Yes, I know - it's invisible, but it doesn't make her invisible, meaning that when she's flying in it, you can still see her. Maybe you expect more from a magical aircraft. It's still better than anything your plane can do. What? You don't have your own plane? You don't even have a pilot's license? What a loser!

As you can see, when an aeroplane is in the sky, it can reach heights that are very far away, making it look very small and hard to see. This is caused by science. However, don't be fooled! Aeroplanes are in reality quite large.

Here we see George Bush, Jr. standing and waving outside of Air Force One (a non-invisible aeroplane). Bush is indicated in red. Reliable sources report that President Bush, Jr. is not a midget, and yet we can see very clearly in this undoctored photograph that the aeroplane is at least ten times his size!

In this photograph, I have used advanced special effects technology to digitally render Air Force One invisible. While President Bush, Jr. remains visible, you can hardly see his obnoxious, smug, self-satisfied grin. So you see, even a visible person in an invisible plane would be very difficult to see.

Many people say that she couldn't operate an aeroplane if she couldn't see the controls. You know, there are other senses you could use to tell where the controls are. Next, you'll be saying that blind people shouldn't be piloting aeroplanes. You probably think that blind people should stay on the ground and be locked in dank, smelly caves and fed the lint that sighted people find in their belly buttons. Jerk. Fascist. Jerk.

If it were up to you, I bet Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, and Louis Braille would never have made their historic transatlantic flight.

Wonder Woman must spend hours every day cleaning that plane so that it remains completely transparent and she doesn't need assholes like you making fun of her.

Some of you may be of the opinion that Wonder Woman doesn't need any aircraft at all, considering that she has magical sandals that allow her to fly without a plane. You may think it's silly that she ever choose to wear her non-flying go-go boots. Sure, the boots are kinky and sexy and provide superior arch support, you would think, but you have to weigh that against the gift of flight. You would think she should never go into action without her sandals.

That just goes to show how little you know. Very few people know this, but her red fuck-me boots have magical powers, too.

They make her look taller.

This blog post is brought to you by Google Image Search and by Ow! My Eye! - celebrating five years of this comic.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

plus, didn't she just borrow those winged sandals from hermes for a bit?

4:44 PM  
Blogger Aaron Agassi said...

Wonder Woman's transparent plane is crafted from the last sample of transparent nigh invisible aluminum from lost Atlantis. Transparent aluminum while admitting visible light up to a safe intensity, blocks all harmful radiation. The memory molecules even adjust to protect Wonder Woman's fair peaches and cream complexion in winter or else to help her work on a healthy suntan for the Mediterranean summer! And whereas, ordinary airplanes cast shadows, the invisible plane projects brilliant and colorful shimmering prismatic refractions of the sun onto the ground as it sours in the sky above.

In flight, the exterior surface of Wonder Woman's transparent plane vibrates at a frequency to shed water and generates ions to repel dust, thereby continually sustaining optimal visibility.

Every decade or so, since Wonder Woman crash landed the battle damaged transparent spitfire after the end of the Second World War, in the temple of Hephaestus the smithies of Themiscyra ceremonially demolish the worn and obsolete transparent plane in order to recover the transparent aluminum for the crafting of a new top of the line invisible fighter plane and the avionics are updated by Wonder Woman herself from her own mind, into the telepathic radio.

Wonder Woman, endowed with the speed of Hermes, is capable of avionics adjustments in real time unassisted, and feeds in the data from her own fevered brain during a sleepless and grueling series of hallucinogenic vision quest test flights into the stratosphere and the celestial realms beyond, battling evil from beyond the stars. For even the transparent spitfire was said to have been capable of spaceflight. No one really understands how!

In order to join forces with Aquaman, Wonder Woman's transparent plane also fully functions underwater. In order to exit while submerged without flooding the cockpit, Wonder Woman barrel rolls the transparent plane upside down before opening the canopy. But first she removes, folds and slips her boots neatly under the pilot seat, because even Wonder Woman doesn't go swimming with her boots on!

9:44 AM  
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